Image credit: Nintendo

Written by: Mister Substitute

We’ve all been there: your boss, a condiment of some sort, has been breathing down your neck about your work output. Whether it’s Mayonnaise and their legion of workers who have to separate egg yolks or Thousand Island who tries desperately to be “the cool boss” when in reality they just don’t care about dress code, working for a condiment can be very stressful, believe me! Thankfully, for me at least, Mustard is a very laid-back and understanding boss: I set my own work pace and they’re always understanding when I need to take a break. This has come in handy lately with my current predicament.

Exhibit A:

A relatively innocuous Tweet, sure, but the consequences have been dire. Not long after seeing this Tweet, I was intrigued by a game involving pizza, something I fully enjoy. I thought “Why not?” like some kid in an afterschool special given a bottle labeled “Drugs” and downloaded the game, knowing little of what I was getting myself into. For those who haven’t played, “Good Pizza, Great Pizza” is your basic pizza-making simulation game for phones. It’s simple, it’s cheesy, and stuff-crust filled with pizza puns.

Like any efficient drug-dealer, the game starts you off slow, easy: just making simple cheese pizzas for the community, nothing too hard. Then pepperoni gets introduced and things get interesting. Next thing you know you’ve bought all the toppings and you’re watching ads because you’re in the red from giving a guy 150$ for an “investment” that never came back and all of a sudden the game becomes a part of your life. Soon, you’re putting off music reviews that your boss, a bottle of Mustard, has been asking you to write and your life starts spiraling out of control. Yes, it happens to the best of us.

Thankfully, have some sage advice whenever you find yourself in this situation that could save you a lot of time and future awkward conversations with your boss condiment.

Step 1: Try to avoid game recommendations from a condiment that involve food, they’re very crafty about those things.

Step 2: If you happen to find yourself downloading said game and going through the tutorial you have one of two options: either kiss your loved ones good-bye, sell all your belongings and purchase a small plot of land in rural Montana where you can live off the land and play your game in peace, or, take a sledgehammer to your phone, put it in a paper bag, burn that, sweep that up, and bury it in some compost you hopefully already have going in your backyard.

Step 3: Go about your life either fully embracing the Good Pizza, Great Pizza life or go out and get yourself a new phone and start anew, liberated and exercised of such a life.

Step 4: Write an article about it and hope your boss accepts it as “work.”

With these simple tips, you too can find yourself either completely enveloped or entirely rid off that soul-sucking game, “Good Pizza, Great Pizza.” Now you can go back to continually writing music reviews or separating egg yolks, depending on which condiment you work for.

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