Two and a half years ago Mustard found a human. This human was not lost, per-se, but they offered their services to help Mustard navigate the human world. This led to an eventual TikTok account and the website you are on right now. It has been recommended Mustard pay this human but they are unsure how. Currency is confusing. Plus, they are non-unionized.

Nonetheless, the human world is often consumed by technology and something known as the internet. Mustard, like humans, is fascinated by the internet. On the internet is a literary magazine website known as The Daily Drunk which features “pop culture writing that pops.”

Mustard would like to share some writing they had their non-unionized, unpaid, yet equipped with a healthcare plan employee read to them.

Sultans of Salesforce by Fred Shrum, III

Mustard knew, from the rumblings of their employee, that humans could work different jobs. But Mustard had no idea that voluntarily working in an office was an option. This poem taught Mustard about humans who use the software known as “Salesforce.” Salesforce sounds like an efficient way to communicate with humans. There is something within Salesforce known as a “case.” It is the human’s job to solve this case? Woah. That is pretty cool. Mustard hopes they are recognized with a pizza party. Surely that is the only way to show appreciation and recognition for a human who works in an office setting.

You Don’t Have to Go Full-on Michael Douglas in Falling Down, but Every Time You Fail to Lose Your Shit at Being Belittled by the Stuff You’re Buying, the Stuff You’re Buying Redoubles Its Efforts to Insult You Some More by Mike Hickman

Capitalism sucks.

Please make your mustard at your home.

Cheerleading Tryouts by Emily Krauser

Humans spend a lot of their lives trying to attract other humans. Mustard learned from this piece that you do not need to try out for cheerleading for someone to be attracted to you. Which is wonderful! Cheerleading is practiced during a human’s teenage years primarily during high school. But thankfully to show your attraction to another human you do not need to participate in this extra-curricular activity. Humans should be rejoicing! Imagine all the ways you can try to attract your potential soulmate.

I’m Not Catfishing You by Seth Borkowski 

Hold up.

There is an entire television program dedicated to humans who pretend to be other humans. In fact, the writer of this article is not even named Seth. Their name is Amy. Mustard has always wanted to be a human but if there is this much deception within the human world, maybe not. What does a human have to gain from doing this? A provocative photograph? A new restaurant recommendation that probably has ketchup already on the table?

Mustard recommends human be honest with each other. As difficult as that may be.

Everywhere by Ellen Clayton

Mustard learned from this poem that Roy Kent is he’s here, he’s there, he’s every fucking where. Including all over Ellen. While Mustard is still learning about how human attraction works, the power of fantasy is incredible. Roy Kent is supposedly a fictional character. But Mustard is not convinced. If he could be here, there, or every fucking where there is a chance that Roy Kent is:

  • God
  • a ghost
  • an employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles
  • a director of the Department of Transportation
  • Superhero “The Flash”
  • a really fast runner
  • a vampire
  • is actually Carmen Santiago

There are so many possibilities of where Roy Kent could be. Roy Kent could be whispering explicative words in your human ears right now while you make your child a crustless peanut butter and fluff sandwich.

To conclude:

Mustard has learned that humans are often exploited and sexually motivated creatures. With their desire to attract a new mate this leads them to lying about their identity or finding ways to be seductive. Humans are fascinating creatures. Thank you Daily Drunk for showing Mustard this.


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